Lavender & Lace

Have you ever been confronted by your sin in another person?

Have you ever listened to a person lament and thought to yourself, this is exactly how I used to feel? But at the same time, felt very inadequate to share how you overcame those same obstacles?

I recently heard a speaker talk about how Christians tend to think of their walk with God being this whole “mountain top” experience.

When things are falling into place, you have peace, you don’t stress, you don’t feel your struggles like you used to. And how, at a certain point we begin to feel like this experience is the new normal. And how, many of us, spiral when we fall from the mountain top and find ourselves stranded in the “valley”.

The valley is a place I often refer to as “darkness”. It is a place of hurt, anxiety, panic attacks, financial strain, loneliness, desperation…a place where God feels so far away.

When I was a kid growing up in the church I had this belief that God was entirely separate from humans. That he sat up in the clouds, on a throne, somewhere far, far, away and observed us through binoculars.

But as I grew in my faith I began to realize that God is not separate from human beings. He simply cannot get close enough to us. And as I’ve begun to realize this, my entire perspective on my own despair has shifted.

When you realize that the God of the Bible is a God who draws near, you realize that there is no one else on earth who can fulfill your needs like He does.

See, I used to look for fulfillment in other people. I fell into depression at a young age and was immediately dismissed for my feelings, told I didn’t have a “reason” for feeling the way I did. I was often told that it was my own mindset and that I just needed to pray harder and have more faith. So I sought out comfort from people, anyone, who would give it to me. First with grade school friends, then with men. But nothing I ever satisfied. I was constantly left feeling hurt, disappointed, angry, resentful, and hopeless. I got so bad that I eventually questioned my purpose to even be alive and convinced myself that there was something horribly wrong with me.

The other day I sat across from a new friend of mine as she lamented that she felt let down by all the people around her at church. That she had repeatedly reached out to people in her desperate times and constantly felt rejected and let down by them.

I empathize with her because what she described and what she’s experiencing are things I have also experienced. But in that moment of revelation my words fell utterly flat. I went home kicking myself and telling God that I was clearly not the right person to help.

But it was during my prayer that he reminded me of the long journey I have recently been on and the power of my own testimony. And the truth I realized was pretty astounding.

The core desire of my heart is to be fully known and loved. And I have looked for this love my entire life in other people and have constantly been disappointed. Because the truth is; people will always disappoint you.

Why? Because people are by nature selfish beings. Whether that’s a result of the fall or simply that we’re wired this way as part of our survival, I don’t know. But it is impossible to find someone, anyone, who will pour into another person 100%. It’s impossible.

But what is impossible with man is possible with God.

I have come to realize over the past couple months, since coming back to faith. That I cannot do anything on my own and that I have to rely on God every single moment of every day to exist.

I set my alarm an hour early ever morning so that I can get up and get into my Bible. First thing I do every day is wait for Him to speak to me. Then I speak to Him. I pray, I worship, I have a devotional app on my phone that goes off at my lunch hour. I talk to Him constantly thought the day. Because I have to. He is ultimately my source of life. I know that I am a sinful mess of a human being; the things I want to do I don’t do and the things I know I shouldn’t do, I do. So like life support, I depend on my God.

And I don’t say this because I am some kind of holy or righteous person. But simply because I have tried everything else. And everything else I’ve tasted is death.

The Holy Spirit dwells within every person who has given their life to Christ. He was given to us to be our “helper”, He is a teacher, the one who renews us from the inside out. Who convicts us, constantly, to be renewed and reshaped into the likeness of Jesus. And if you call out to Him, he will answer.

If you want to know your purpose. If you want to know how to care more about people around you and less about yourself. If you want to overcome anger, resentment, bitterness. If you want to be more patient. If you want to stress less about money. If you want to check your behavior. If you want to live a life of service and self-sacrifice…

He will convict you if you let Him.

And your life will change.

So all of this to say, that I have been standing on the mountain top for a while now, observing that valley below. And during this process I have come to realize that the lessons I carry from my journey are not important to me, but to those who haven’t made their way to the mountain top like I have.

Maybe that’s you.

Maybe you think that what you are going through will never end. That no one cares and that your life is meaningless.

I am here to tell you that the God who created the universe is as close to you as the air you are breathing. And He is the true source of hope, love and life. Put your trust in Him, put your faith in Him, and He will lead you out of the darkness.

I promise.