Lavender & Lace

Is this it?

Is this what I prayed for?

Or is this yet another thing I am being turned over to?

I said this would give my closure, an answer to all my wondering,

I said this was what I needed to move on.

But now I lay on my couch and tears flood my eyes.

Why?

I didn’t ask for this.

I didn’t want to know her name.

I didn’t want to know of the peace that lay on the other end of the phone.

While I’m stuck here, still treading water.

Still just trying to keep my head above it all.

This isn’t what I prayed for.

But what did I expect?

A miracle?

A profession of love that suddenly blossomed out of the grave?

Did I really expect action from a man who only ever acts for himself?

Tell me, what did I really want?

Maybe this is the point.

Maybe I asked for something I didn’t know I needed.

Clarity.

This man held my sky, and then brought it all down on top of my head.

“It wasn’t love,” The Spirit whispers, “if it were, you wouldn’t be the one dying.”

This isn’t what I prayed for

But it was what I needed.

And I can see it clearer now.

He’s just a stupid man.

A stupid man, who broke my heart.

And now I know that he won’t be the one to fix it.

I didn’t pray for more tears, heaven knows I’ve cried enough.

But sometimes the greatest thing the Father can do is break us to rebuild us.

And it is in Him that I trust.

He has never lead me astray.

He has always been the one to provide.

It was in his loving kindness that he allowed me to see what needed to be seen.

But now that door is closed forever.

He is a good and loving Father.

He spared me from what I couldn’t comprehend, and had mercy as I wept in his arms.

I didn’t pray for this.

But it was an answered prayer all the same.

Nothing exposes character more than the way you treat someone you no longer need.