Lavender & Lace

Did you know there is a Hebrew word that you can pray that encapsulates all your suffering?

The word is ‘Ekah.

It is the very first word in the book of Lamentations. And it is translated to mean a “wailing cry”. A cry that is drenched in tears that travels straight to the heart of God.

It is also translated into English as “How” or “Why”

“How could this happen?”

“How will I heal?”

“How long Oh Lord?”

It is a word that reminds us about our nearness to God in pain.

It’s an invitation to pour out our sadness and frustrations to God with the reassurance that he will not turn us away in anger.

1 How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever?
    How long will you hide your face from me?
² How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
    and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
    How long will my enemy triumph over me?

³ Look on me and answer, Lord my God.
    Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,
⁴ and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
    and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

⁵ But I trust in your unfailing love;
    my heart rejoices in your salvation.
⁶ I will sing the Lord’s praise,
    for he has been good to me.

Psalm 13

A few years ago a pastor of mine, during one of his messages asked this question; “Do you know what the biggest danger for Pastors is?”

So we started listing off, naming a few things. The things you are probably thinking now.

And he said, “Actually no, the biggest danger is the hardness of heart.”

I actually think this pertains to adult people as well, when I got to thinking about it.

So I’m going to venture to say this…what’s the biggest danger for a married couple?

What is the biggest danger for a parent?

What is the biggest danger for you and I in life, when our sorrowful mysteries become overwhelming and we’ve tried to bury them. Most of us have buried them alive. And they keep coming back, again and again, with force.

Because most of us spend our lives running away from our sorrowful mysteries.

When we are afraid of what they mean. Or of what we think they mean.

Our bodies often shout what our hearts are afraid to whisper.

But I don’t see anywhere in the gospels where Jesus looked at people who were suffering and told them, you need to just try harder. He encounters people who were sinful and contrite in the deepest places of their hearts and he spoke to them.

When we see Jesus and we see who He is, when we see His actions with others and we experience it in our own lives, it gives us the deeper safety to allow Him to touch the places that we have hardened. And our hardness of heart, I can say with great kindness to you, is understandable.

Aren’t there places of your heart where you have been hurt very deeply?

The things we wish would just stop hurting. That run so deep and are so painful that we just don’t even speak of them? Maybe there aren’t even adequate words to describe of them even if we tried to. Those are the places of our sorrowful mysteries.

Peter; the first disciple to recognize Jesus as the Messiah. Who we know has been given the keys to the kingdom. Peter, the one who upon rebuking Christ during his foretelling of his death would deny Him three times.

The fear took over, his fight or flight took over, something that, if we are honest, you and I have all done. When the fear wells up, when we are afraid of the outcome, we’re afraid to tell the truth…We are afraid to admit what we’ve done… Something happens to Peter that happens to you and I as human beings, when the fear that he had, overrides what is good, true, and beautiful. And he denies Jesus.

And I love that Jesus looks at him with love.

We’ve all done the thing we said we would never do.

Have you ever had a rupture in a relationship like that? When things just kept getting worse?

Peter watches as the scene plays out; the scourging, the crucifixion. It’s hard for us to really understand how catastrophic this must have been for him to witness after what he had done…

And then something amazing happens and what Jesus said would happen is actually true. Christ rises from the dead. And begins to appear to the disciples. He comes to them from behind their locked doors. Where they were hiding and cowering.

“But go, tell His disciples—and Peter—that He is going before you into Galilee; there you will see Him, as He said to you.” Mark 16:7

The reason the text states “and Peter” is because Peter was not with them. Why wasn’t he there with them?

I believe it’s because Peter, so full of sorrow and shame, no longer included himself with the disciples. I can just imagine the ache in Pete’s stomach, wondering when he hears this news. Wondering if he will be in trouble, if he’s going to get punished, wanting to talk to Jesus but not knowing what to say…we’ve all been there.

And then on the third appearance when they decide to go fishing, Jesus shows up. And Peter, immediately recognizing the Lord, jumps into the water and swims to shore. It’s such a beautiful picture of reconciliation.

“When they landed, they saw a charcoal fire there with fish on it, and some bread. Jesus told them, “Bring some of the fish you have just caught.” John 21:9

There are only two charcoal fires in the New Testament, one when Peter denies Jesus and one where he reconciles with Him.

It is a great mercy that God comes into the details and specificities of our hearts, I’m so grateful He doesn’t just wash over them. Because there’s a healing that takes place when He goes down to the depths of our shame and the things we are not proud of. It’s such a powerful and fearsome mercy that comes to bring that kind of intimacy.

A love that won’t let us get away with things.

Because it’s in the encounter of wholeness and love that brings us into the truth of who we are and sets us free.

All of us have failed at times. All of us have brought our vulnerabilities before people and they have not been received. We have all had experiences where people have seen our weakness’ and they’ve made fun of us. They’ve shamed us, they’ve criticized us. They’ve mocked us.

But Jesus doesn’t do this. He encounters us in love and truth, in the deep places, and he turns to us (like he does Peter) and asks; “Do you love me?”

He reaffirms this with Peter three times. As the denial happened three times.

And I wonder if it was at that moment that Peter’s heart just broke.

“You know I love you.”

I wonder if we all have areas of our lives where we have our own charcoal fires?

When we cry out in sorrow filed voices;

“I wish this had never happened.

I wish I could take it all back.

I wish I could rewrite the past.”

And usually when we do this we harden our hearts and we tense up our bodies, and we just try to survive.

But Christ is not calling us to survive.

And I think, as we live in a time such as this that the world is aching for witnesses of reconciliation. And witnesses of reconciliation have hearts like Christ.

I look at Jesus and he has no self defense mechanisms. He doesn’t have self righteousness the way we do where we try to minimize and deflect. He demonstrates for us, the intercession it takes to stand boldly within our sorrowful mysteries. That we can begin to touch those places and received his deep and beautiful kindness.

God is love.

So in closing I would just invite you to open up your heart to Him. What is it that you are hardening your heart towards? What needs are you suffering? Maybe it’s something you’ve never told anyone about. Maybe it’s something incredibly difficult to name. Just know that you are not meant to carry these things alone.

Jesus is not afraid and He is not overwhelmed by you. He’s not disappointed in you or wishing you could be someone else. His heart is for you, exactly as you are, exactly how you approach him right now.

What is the Lord doing in your heart in that area?

May your heart be softened. May your heart be filled with His love. May you know, with every fiber of your being, that you are going to be ok.