Lavender & Lace

Last weekend we had our women’s conference. It was out in the woods, in some cabins, it was beautiful. The weather was so perfect we sat outside for most of our sessions. The leaves were falling and the sun made them glow like they were golden.

The focus of the retreat was about sharing our testimonies. And it was such an honor to have the opportunity to witness such beautiful vulnerability from our leaders as one by one they told their stories and helped us lay out our own timelines.

I shared a little bit of my own.

I shook so bad I could hear it in my voice as I retold my early upbringing and made jokes about what it’s like to be a kid up in the “north”. I’m not sure if I made sense, I felt like I was all over the place, and beat myself up afterwards for not having a more cohesive story.

But the thing I realized was that in order to share my entire story it would probably take three days…so while scribbling in my new notebook I came to a realization that there are going to be different facets of my story that will be important to share at different times. And that maybe it’s ok to not have a picture perfect story just yet.

I came to realize that I do have a calling in certain areas and that as ugly and imperfect as my life has been…my story is important. And I know that God means for me to share it.

I already know He intends for me to write a book. He’s already given me the title. But I’m too terrified to start. Too terrified to fail.

But I know I’m healing.

Healing…

It’s an ongoing encounter with Gods love and truth that brings us into wholeness and communion.

It’s a process.

We all have experiences of being vulnerable with somebody and it not being honored. Instead of honoring you and loving you, you were shamed you were minimized, discarded deemed unlovable…and many times we come out of those experiences of such intense pain and we put up walls, make inner vows, to make sure that pain doesn’t happen to us again. We make agreements to never be vulnerable again, and that hardens our hearts. And that makes it even more difficult to experience true, authentic, love. 

The journey of honesty about pain while waiting for healing with an open heart isn’t easy, but it’s worth it.

These are the things I will speak about.