Lavender & Lace

I get so tired of this worn out English word “Love”. We use it all the time to say things like, “I love tacos…but I also love my wife”? It’s silly and overused and often times, falls flat when it isn’t used the way it should to used.

Did you know that in ancient Hebrew there were three separate words for love? There was a word for the love in a friendship; someone who you just enjoy spending time with. There was a word for romantic love; partnership and companionship. And there was a word for intimate love; that was the love of the will. Commitment love, that was never ending and enduring of all things.

The idea that the scriptures start with, fundamentally, is that God is love. And that as love He chooses to love us. Not because we’re good, or right, but because He is good and He is right. 

The kind of love that God has is the kind of love that brings value, not the kind that seeks value. This is an important distinction because a love that seeks value is only a love that loves valuable things. A love that brings value is a love that loves things that aren’t normally lovable but because they’re loved by the beloved they are naturally lovable. 

God loves people so much that he gives them the ability not to choose him. 

This is the truth of the gospel.

Because all love can do is invite. 

Love is a choice.

Anyone who has ever loved deeply knows the sorrow that comes with rejection. That is why heartbreak is so universal.

The other night I had this dream about my ex.

I was moving into his home, which was unfamiliar because of the dream… but in my dream “mind” it was familiar. And we were laughing and talking with one another just as we used to and there was so much peace and intamacy between us. But towards the end of the dream I “woke up” in the middle of the night in his car, alone. As if in the dream world he had seen that I had fallen asleep and instead of waking me up to accompany him back into the home he just left me outside, sleeping alone in the vehicle. And being in a dream, I got out of the car -mildy distraught- and began walking towards the house, repeating to myself; “I can’t believe he just left me here!”

So in usual fashion when I opened my eyes that morning I found myself flooded with sorrow. I’ve woken up this way more days than I care to admit, so I immediately rolled over in my bed and tearfully I asked the Lord, “Why does this keep happening?!” And instead of answering that question, He pointed out to me; “Isn’t it interesting that your subconscious spelled out for you the exact cry of your heart? Which is: I can’t believe he just left me here.”

And I thought about it for a moment and realized that in all these years since our split the one thing I have not been able to accept (or come to terms with) was his desire to leave.

And that was the moment I recognized the core wound of my grief.

Why am I so easy to leave?

Because I look around at my life and I see so plainly that I have been left by everyone I have loved. For some I was too clingy…too needy…too much. For some I wasn’t enough; not present when I should have been, lacked motivation to change in way they felt I needed to change in, asked for too many things while never giving enough in exchange….

Pick a feature!

But I’ve also realized that we live in a culture where love is so transactional.

Have you ever heard a parent say to their child, “There isn’t anything you could ever do that would make me love you less.” But then meditate on whether or not their partner is serving their needs enough to stay committed to their relationship?

Like, am I the only one who has searched everywhere for this mysterious “unconditional love” I grew up reading about in fairytale books and seeing on the big screen? Am I the only one who feels grossly misled by this fantasy I’ve been spoon-fed, of a partner who actually exists and actually loves through “happily ever after”? Because I gotta be honest… I’ve looked for it. I’ve prayed for it. I’ve sacrificed everything for it. And still wound up short.

We live in a culture the emphasizes the importance of the “self” to such extremes that we no longer know what is means to truly love another person and elevate them above ourselves.

Self-centeredness is taught in counseling circles. Prioritizing one’s needs above everyone else’s has become a mode of self-care. And so, of course, when we find ourselves confrunted in relationships by the slightest bit of disappointment, instead of learning to communicate better, instead of cultivating an environment of emotional safety and vulnerability, instead of working through that hard parts to grow in closeness and intamcy. So many people just bail!

And in case you haven’t noticed, the world around you will always pat you on the shoulder and whisper; “YES! things are hard…you do deserve easier, you are entitled to go find it.” And people jump from this person to this person to this person…all in the attempt of appeasing the person sitting on the throne of the own hearts…themselves!!

But Gods love is so much more.

Inevitably, when you have Jesus on the throne of your heart you don’t see people the way the world sees them. You see people the way HE sees people. You love the way HE loves.

His love is never changing. He loves us despite our failures, and our misbehaving. He loves us the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. And there isn’t anything we will ever be able to do to loose it.

True love is ultimately defined this way; that a person lay down their life for another.

Love is self-less not selfish. Love is thinking about the other person first, before you think about yourself. Love is acting with a servants heart, giving completely of yourself-allowing your needs, wants and desires, to take a back seat to those of the other person.

That’s why wedding vows are written the way they are written. It doesn’t say, “for richer or for best health, and easy walk through life, I commit to be yours.” No! The vows are about committing through the worst of those times.

Real love is found not in the absence of trial and suffering but in a commitment to the good of the other, whether we feel like it or not. And someone who says to another person, “I love you”, but gets angry with them when asked to open up and be vulnerable in how they communicate. Calls them “unreasonable” for asking for more than the bare minimum, and picking up stale bread crumbs…

That isn’t love.

That’s just infatuation.

Because at the very core of it, love is sacrifice.

Jesus put it this way; if you want to follow me you have to pick up your cross and follow me…die to yourself, give up living your life for you…that is a picture of love. And he asks us to act out this kind of love out with one another.

There is nothing that will heal broken love more than authentic love.

A few months ago I began to ask God to deconstruct Love for me. I recognized that somewhere along the way, I had gotten it all wrong. And I knew that I would never be able to move on, be in another relationship (etc.) until I really understood what love was and what it truly meant.

Nothing in your life comes out of nowhere and nowhere in your life stays out of nowhere. Your heart actually makes sense, there’s nothing random about it. There’s nothing arbitrary about your life. It’s all connected and it all makes sense. 

True happiness in relationships doesn’t come from keeping the peace—it comes from being fully seen and still being fully loved. It’s not about avoiding tension at all costs; it’s about knowing that your relationships can handle the weight of honesty. 

The healthiest relationships aren’t the ones that avoid conflict. They’re the ones that face it. They’re built on honesty, trust, and the ability to navigate tension without fear of losing the connection. 

That’s real peace.

To heal we have to be both honoring and honest. To be honoring of our stories, ourselves, the beautiful gift of who we are, the people in our lives -even if they have hurt us- honoring them for who they are. And then we are going to be very honest. And it’s in the naming of the honesty that the Lord floods us with his light and his beauty to bring us into the areas of wholeness and communion. 

Christ is the only one who does not transmit suffering. He takes on suffering and he gives us back love. And that’s where, you and I, in places of vulnerability, see that and wish so deeply to be transformed. 

This is the unending good news of our life, is that God takes everything in our life and reconciles it to himself. Even our sin. He takes our sin and he bears it. 

To love someone very deeply and to bear their sin…that is a fierce kind of love. 

That is an eternal kind of love. 

That is why there is no other human being who can satisfy our ache to be loved; only God can do that. 

I have searched my entire life for this love. I looked for it in places that were dark and places that were unsafe. I gave away parts of myself, cut out chunks of my self worth, laid them out as sacrifices at feet of other people…begging and pleading for the tiny flame of warmth I found there. But was never satisfied.

I looked for His face in the faces of men who did not have the ability to love me the way my soul desired to be loved.

In the places of all my shame was this vulnerable little girl that wept; I just wanted to be loved. 

Christ doesn’t live with self-defense mechanisms like we do. He doesn’t put up walls or need space. And that’s what makes him so beautiful and why we are so captivated by him. 

When we allow Jesus to come and to love us more deeply, we drop our facades and all of our defense mechanisms, we allow ourselves to become naked in the garden, to see and to be seen, we become the person God already sees us to be. 

But that healing comes with the call to let go. And this, my friends, is where I struggle to most.

Humans are not good at saying goodbye. Especially when we are meant to. We are afraid of the finality of it all, so we sometimes overstay our welcome. Holding onto things, really tightly, that we don’t need to.

I have two extremes…I suffer through goodbyes by dragging them out and making them longer than they should be, winding up at tables I wasn’t meant to sit at or I just take the high road and exit in a completely uncaring way.

No goodbyes are easy.

Even if you think they are warranted.

But often times, goodbyes are simply the beginnings of something else. And that makes them less scary. The idea of loving again, is scary, but it’s also so full of life and hope.

This is where Gods love has led me. This is where I now stand. At the cross-roads, with open arms, desiring to be fully known and fully loved but the one who hand crafted my heart to be exactly what it is.